I often find myself saying, ‘Marriage can be one of the most challenging yet most growth-oriented relationships.’ In my years of practice as a therapist, I’ve witnessed couples striving for each other’s attention, wrestling with blame, and replaying their attachment patterns. They yearn for a deep connection and true intimacy. The key to unlocking this connection lies in something I call ‘relational awareness,’ a concept that determines the health of a relationship. Relational awareness is the capacity to reflect on your role in the relationship and understand what’s truly happening between you and your partner.“
The level of relational awareness within a couple significantly influences the overall health of their relationship. This awareness involves the ability to self-reflect and ponder our roles in the relationship, as well as what truly transpires between us and our partner. It’s directly linked to our capacity to navigate, resolve conflicts, and embrace the differences inherent in any relationship.
Relationships, like life itself, encompass both the good and the bad. They can sometimes feel perfect and, at other times, strikingly imperfect. When couples struggle to embrace this ambivalence fully and become polarised, conflicts often ensue. Deep-seated relationship wounds, such as abuse, abandonment, and infidelity, can cut deep into the core of a partnership. These injuries often arise from our innermost vulnerabilities, surfacing in moments of stress and causing profound harm to the relationship. In such challenging times, the importance of relational awareness becomes even more apparent, as one partner grapples with hurt, and healing necessitates the presence of the other.
The process of healing begins with the acknowledgment of wrongdoing by the one who transgressed, coupled with an expression of remorse and guilt for hurting their partner. I’ve noticed that, in many cases, the transgressor instinctively seeks self-protection rather than prioritising the relationship. As a relational therapist, I delve into understanding what drives this self-protection, providing a safe space for the couple to navigate their relationship’s complexities during this period.
Another pivotal facet of relational awareness is recognizing the individuality of your partner—the idea that they are different from you. While couples spend time together, it is how they spend that time and what they choose to do that shapes the depth of intimacy between them. An inquisitive approach towards your partner, a willingness to embrace diverse experiences, and the openness to engage in difficult conversations all contribute to building relational awareness, ultimately leading to a more profound level of intimacy.
It’s equally crucial for couples to invest time apart, engaging in activities they individually enjoy, rather than solely focusing on supporting or providing certainty to their partner. This not only strengthens the connection but also fosters a sense of understanding and acceptance of each other’s differences.
In essence, acceptance of the uniqueness of your partner, combined with a holistic embrace of the ambivalence within the relationship – the good and the bad – paves the way for a deeper and more profound connection and intimacy.